CS10 Oh, Baby
by Margaret Price
Summary: The Major and the Earl are stuck in an elevator with a woman in labor. Who’s going to panic first? Inside Out Cliche Series No10


**Fan Fic 100 prompt:** 029 - Birth  
**Pyramid Dares:** Set 2, Level 9 – The Meaning of Life

**Notes:** Thank you to Riothouse for letting me bounce ideas off of her.

**Summary:** Cliché #10 – A woman in labor.  
The Major and the Earl are stuck in an elevator with a woman in labor. Who's going to panic first?

* * *

**Oh, Baby  
**Word count: 1,248  
_They say that delivering a baby changes a man._

"How in the name of Harry do I get into these situations?" Dorian exclaimed, running his fingers through his hair.

The Major threw an angry glare at him but did not reply. He was too busy asking himself the same thing as the woman lying in front of him with upraised knees gave a loud sound that was a combination scream and moan. _Fucking women and their fucking babies!_

"You think I'm enjoying this?" the woman named Claire snarled back. "Trapped in an elevator with a couple of…of…AAH!" The rest of her scathing reply was cut off by the start of another contraction.

By this time, Dorian was trying to decide whether he should claw at the doors to force them open or just climb through the escape hatch. Once in the elevator shaft, it would be simple enough for him to—

"Lord Gloria!" the Major snapped, returning the Earl to reality with a jolt. "Stop standing around like a store manikin and make yourself useful!"

"_How_ do you propose I do that, Major?" the Earl snapped defensively. "I don't know anything about women's…_bits!_" He spat out the last word out like a curse.

"Oh, shut up or I'll do something about those aristocratic men's _bits_ of yours when I can stand up again!" Claire snarled back. This was followed by a stream of curses that made even the Major blush.

Klaus had already pulled off his jacket for Claire to lie on and was in the process of rolling up his sleeves. He had been trained in field medicine—and had actually used it on several occasions—but he had always prayed that this portion of his training would never have to be put into practice. It was bad enough that he had to be near this Harpy, but to have to look up her—

Klaus closed his eyes and shuddered, fighting back the nausea that suddenly flared up. Then the Earl's voice broke through his consciousness and he looked up, waving a hand. "Take off that flouncy _thing_ you're wearing and give it to me."

"What?" Dorian gasped.

"I need something to wrap the baby in."

"Are you mad? This coat's a Versace original!" Dorian objected, grasping his knee-length jacket protectively.

"Take it off, you vain bastard!" Claire snapped. "Bugger, my mother was right. The nobility are worse than useless!"

Dorian stood with his mouth hanging open for a few seconds before stripping off his long coat and handing it to the Major.

Claire gave another loud cry. "Oh, God, it's coming!"

Dorian put his hands to his ears. He never wanted to hear those words from a woman's mouth! Not while he was in the same room. Then, to his delight, he heard a voice calling into the elevator shaft. "Major? Lord Gloria?"

"Mister Z!" Dorian cried hysterically, pulling at the crack in the doors. "You darling man! I think I love you!"

"Stay away from my men, you pervert!" the Major snapped automatically.

"Sirs!" Z called back. "Are you—?"

Whatever else the agent had to say was cut off when Claire screamed. Then the elevator jolted, finally moving. A moment later, the doors opened and the Major's eagerly awaiting Alphabet were met with a sight they would not soon forget. The Earl practically fell out the doors, revealing Claire on the floor with upraised knees, the Major sitting between her legs with his hands apparently up her dress.

For a single frozen moment, no one moved. Then the air was cut by the unmistakable sound of a baby crying. The Major wrapped the red, wiggling mass in the Earl's designer coat and looked up. "What the hell are you all staring at?" he said angrily. "Haven't you ever seen a baby being born?"

There was a flurry of activity as mother and infant were bundled off to the nearest hospital. The Major stood back as this happened, being inwardly thankful that he had managed to pull off the delivery without losing his dinner. Finally, it was just himself and the Earl again.

"Major, you're a bloody mess," Dorian remarked quietly. When the officer looked at him with daggers in his eyes, he waved a hand at him. "I mean literally bloody."

Klaus looked down at himself and felt his stomach lurch again. _Bloody woman, bloody baby, bloody hell! _"I need a shower. And a drink."

Dorian nodded. "If you can stand to be seen with me, I'll be in the hotel bar." He paused, adding, "I'm buying.

Klaus gave him a steady look. Then he gave a small smile and turned, his finger hovering over the down arrow. "Going down, Lord Gloria?"

The Earl shuddered. "If it's all the same to you, I'll take the stairs," he said before striding off.

The Major continued to smirk. Then he turned on his heel, heading in the direction of his room. _From now on, I __**only**__ take the stairs._

oOo

Dorian was stunned when the Major actually joined him in the hotel's bar. He had showered and changed into casual clothing, jeans and a sweater, which also surprised the Earl. He couldn't remember the last time he's seen the man dressed like a normal human being.

_They say children change a man. And delivering a baby has to be one of those life changing events,_ Dorian reflected.

_If I hadn't been so freaked out, I could've watched that new life coming into the world, all bright and new. Why do some of the most romantic things have to be so...icky?_

The Earl's thoughts were interrupted when the Major dropped into the seat beside him and ordered a very stiff drink.

"On my tab," Dorian added.

Klaus gave a snort but did not argue.

"So, Major," the Earl said conversationally, settling back in his chair. "Any word on the little mother?"

Klaus gave a louder snort; snatching up his drink and downing it in one go. He put down the glass and gave a satisfied sigh before ordering a beer. Then he turned to the Earl. "_Mother_ is right," he replied coldly.

Dorian's eyes flickered. "So…delivering a baby didn't cause you to contemplate the meaning of life, Major?"

Klaus gave him a sideways look. "No."

"Such a shame," Dorian sighed, giving the officer a dreamy look that made him want to wipe it from his face with a well placed fist.

Since NATO frowned on their agents brawling in bars, the Major refrained from punching the Earl. His beer arrived during this exchange and he took a gulp before leaning back in his seat and lighting a cigarette. "That Harpy wanted to name her brat after me," he said blandly.

Dorian's mouth dropped open, and he nearly dropped his glass. "You're joking?"

"Do I _look_ like I'm joking?"

"Ah, well, now that you mention it…"

Klaus watched as the wheels turned in the Earl's head.

"So, there's not to be another Klaus Heinz?"

"No, thank God. That ugly little bugger was a girl."

Dorian had to stifle a laugh. "Oh, bad luck!" he moaned playfully.

A small smile played at the edges of the Major's mouth. He had one more piece of information to relate, and waited. The dropping of this bomb had to be timed perfectly.

Dorian saw the familiar smile on the officer's face, his eyes narrowing as he brought his drink to his lips. A moment later, he was choking on it as Klaus dropped his bomb with pinpoint accuracy. "She's naming it Gloria."


End file.
